Have you suckled at Bukowski's tit?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All the excuses in the book (physical).
Dad's going in for another surgery, this one to fix the fusion that didn't happen from the last surgery. This will be on Monday, in 3 days.
Mom is going through chemo. Her second diagnosis of breast cancer, the first being 18 years ago. They won't call it a reoccurrence, because it's been too long, but it's in the same tit (she used to call it "bad titty", but it's gone now, having been feted, along with the good one, in a "ta-ta titties party" her girlfriends threw for her a few days before her double mastectomy. Even with both tits gone, the pathology was such that everyone who saw it recommended chemo. As a precaution. Her hair is gone. I bought her a wig she coveted for her birthday, even though it was more money than I had. Later, I cried that I had to buy my 62-year-old mother a wig for her birthday. The money didn't matter. Which is ironic.
My grandmother had three daughters - two of those daughters, my mother included, have tested positive for the breast cancer gene. At first, I thought I would just start having mammograms early, due to strong family history, and I had my first one 3 months ago, just before I turned 33. It came out normal. I'm still fighting the insurance on covering the procedure, even though I called first to make sure I was doing everything right. But that's not the point. The point is, after reading an article about a 33-year-old woman who had the mutation, and decided to have a double mastectomy without having a cancer diagnosis or having started a family, I also decided to get tested. That was on Tuesday. I have to wait about 3 weeks for the results. I'm terrified. Less terrified than I would be if we'd gone through my insurance - there's no way in hell I trust insurance companies, and I simply refuse to believe it won't be held against me if I test positive. But I'm terrified.
I have the semblance of a game plan in the case I do have the gene. I will try for kids immediately. I will give myself five years to have children and breast feed my offspring. At this point, I would like two kids, but I may feel done after one. Regardless, after five years, I plan to remove both my breasts, and my ovaries. At least, that's how I feel now, if I do find I have the gene. With a 60% to 90% chance of developing breast or ovarian cancer if I have the gene, I do not wish to wait around to see if/when it will happen. Even the five years I would give myself to conceive, bear, and breast feed children could find me fighting cancer, but I don't think I could handle not having children. The genetic doctor who is handling my testing has told me that he would recommend more extensive testing for my breasts/ovaries each year (blood tests, ultrasounds and MRI's) than just the normal mammogram, if I did have the gene, but there would be no way I could convince my insurance to pay for that testing without telling them I have the gene, and I'm not willing to do that. If I do test positive for the gene, I will have more decisions to make than I would like. My five year game plan is probably stupid.
5:47 p.m. - 09.28.2007
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
other diaries: |